Dead Man's Hand: Denizens of Cremation

Welcome back to Cremation, the dusty hole that I constructed for the Wild West skirmish game, Dead Man's Hand. This week, I want to introduce you to some of the unlucky residents of my town.

Since the incommodious death of Sheriff MacGrudy (see last week's post), the chief lawman of Cremation is "Gentleman" Jack Maubrey (pictured above). A well-mannered native of Atlanta, Jack began life as a dentist, switched to selling health tonics and then to gambling on the river boats of the Mississippi. Paternity suits and bad debts kept pushing him toward the frontier, and he finally took up law enforcement rather than resume a dental practice. As the only man in town with clean fingernails, Maubrey is widely seen as a natural authority figure. 

Pinchus "Pinky" Schorr

The desperado known only as "Pinky" was born Pinchus Schorr of Red Hook Brooklyn, the youngest child in a large Jewish family. Rather than follow his father in the schmatta trade, Pinky drifted west into the Arizona Territory, leaving a trail of plundered trains, broken banks and busted jaws. Regarded as one of the best shots this side of Laredo, Pinky is also renowned for his thorough understanding of menswear and fine ladies' undergarments.

Roger "El Maestro" Delgado (left) and Big Dirty Dan Slocum (right)

Roger "El Maestro" Delgado and his enforcer, Big Dirty Dan Slocum, are the most feared outlaws in Cremation and its environs. El Maestro is heartless killer with a penchant for uttering mysterious threats like "To do my will shall be the whole of the law!" or "I only need two things. Your submission and your obedience to my will!". Stranger still, he claims to sleep inside a grandfather clock.

Dirty Dan is a rich man, thanks to his stranglehold on the local cock fighting ring, dog fighting ring, and mixed cock-dog ring. Yet he cannot afford soap.

Melvin Friendly

Melvin Friendly is a professional bounty hunter and amateur psychopath. His favourite activities include challenging his shaving mirror to a staring contest, compulsive shoe-shining and killing all the witnesses.

Baltasar María Inmaculada de Jesus

Baltasar María Inmaculada de Jesus led a bandit company in the California region during the years following the Mexican-American War. De Jesus was valorized by some Californios as a patriot who opposed the American annexation of their land. The US government thought otherwise. With many federal bounties on his head, De Jesus fled inland to Cremation in hopes of recapturing the simple joy of non-political murder and rapine.

Deputy Waylon Kristofferson

Deputy Sheriff Waylon Kristofferson had promised his mother that he wouldn't grow up to be a cowboy. But the ladies love outlaws, and he became a ramblin man. However, he changed his ways after he went riding out one dark and windy day. He rarely speaks of what he saw that night. But sometimes he mutters in his sleep "Yippie I aye ye ye...Ghost riders in the sky!"